Not Everyone Stays
Our first experience saying goodbye to friends we met in Portugal.
We knew no one when we arrived in Portugal in August of 2021. We had never been to Portugal, and the only people we knew living in this new country were met virtually, due to the pandemic. Our first real friends in Portugal were Nancy and Denise. They were living in Cascais at the time, and I responded to one of Nancy’s posts (if you haven’t already subscribed to her Substack blog, I highly recommend it). We realized that we were practically neighbors, so Paul and I met them for lunch, and we hit it off. But then after a few months, Nancy and Denise said that they were moving to the Algarve. We were sad to see them leave Cascais, but we knew we would keep in touch and travel to the Algarve to visit - which we have on many occasions.
Before they left, Nancy called me one day and said, “We have some new friends for you! They are American expats who have been living in Porto and are moving right up the street from where you live in Parede. I think you and Paul will enjoy meeting them.” I didn’t know who they were until Nancy mentioned that they also wrote a blog. That’s when I realized that I did (sort of) already know them because I also subscribed to their blog (another excellent one that you might want to consider subscribing to). So, for the next year, Mike and Mary became our neighbors and friends.
Good times.
It was easy to like these two! They were up for spur of the moment things, and we often walked up the street to their apartment for dinner, conversation, and wine, and they walked down the street to our apartment to do the same. They were genuine and unpretentious. One particularly fun time was when Mike and Mary asked us to participate in a “cheap food in Cascais” excursion. This was to be the basis of a post Mary was planning to write. So, the four of us sat out on the terrace at 100 Montaditos across from the Cascais train station and sampled a variety of small bites with pints of beer. Some of the bites were good. Some, not so much. We gave Mary our honest opinions about what we were tasting. We all laughed a lot and had fun! Good times, for sure.
Paul and I eventually started to meet more people, and whenever we had a group get-together, Mike and Mary were always included – with Mary often helping me get food out on the table or helping to tidy up and Mike striking up an easy conversation with everyone. When Paul had vertigo, Mike and Mary regularly checked in with us to see if we needed anything. I appreciated their support more than I probably ever told them. It was good to know that there were people nearby who had our backs.
Time to move on.
After a year of living up the street from us, Mike and Mary told us that they had decided to move to Lisbon. They wanted to experience city life. Their plan had always been to experience different parts of Portugal – first living in Porto, then Parede, and now Lisbon. Paul and I were sorry to see them move away – we had sort of took it for granted they would stay in Parede - but we understood their reasoning and wished them well. We also knew that we would still see them as by now Paul and I had made friends with people from Lisbon to Cascais and beyond, and didn’t mind taking an Uber or train to see them. Plus, we had purchased a car, which made it easier for us to get around.
Then a grandchild was born.
Mike and Mary occasionally visited family in the United States during their time in Portugal. One such visit was to meet their new grandchild. They were thrilled to be grandparents, and we were thrilled for them! And that’s when Paul and I noticed a slight change in them - perhaps a bit less enthusiastic about living in Portugal. We both agreed that we wouldn’t be surprised if they told us they weren’t staying.
We gave them their space and it took a while for them to finally tell us this. But one day in early spring, we met them in Lisbon for lunch. And that’s when they told us that they would be leaving Portugal and moving back to the United States in September because they wanted to be part of their new grandchild’s life – and not just through FaceTime. We told them that we had already assumed this, and we were sad to see them leave, but completely understood why. We figured we still had plenty of time to get together, and spend some time laughing and sharing food and wine, but time flies so we didn’t see them as often as we should have.
September arrived.
On a recent Saturday evening, we met Mike and Mary and another couple who are mutual friends, in Lisbon for a “farewell dinner.” It was a fun night with snacks and drinks at our friends’ home and then a short walk to a cozy restaurant that Mike and Mary had suggested (good choice!). After dinner, conversation, laughter, and bottles of wine, we all walked back up to our friends’ home for a nightcap, and then it was time to say goodbye.
Mary looked at me and said, “I don’t know if I’ll ever see you again, Carol.” Then she started to get teary-eyed and then, so did I. We were hugging and crying.
I hope it’s not true – not ever going to see our friends again. Perhaps maybe if they visit Europe again, we can meet them somewhere, or if we go back to the U.S. for a visit, but who knows for sure? Life and time have a habit of getting away from you…
It was a bittersweet farewell and the first experience Paul and I have had with saying goodbye to friends we had met in Portugal.
Not everyone stays.
Portugal is not for everyone, and not everyone stays. Some already living here - or some contemplating a move here - may eventually end up leaving Portugal. Some folks move on to another country especially if they have obtained a Portuguese passport and can move about and live within the European Union. Some move back to their homeland for a variety of reasons. I have heard that many Americans leave Portugal after three years.
There is no specific data that I could find on the number of Americans and others who move to Portugal and then return to their homeland. However, general studies on expat behavior suggest that return migration can be influenced by several factors, including difficulties adapting to a new culture, language barriers, changes in personal circumstances (such as family or health), or unmet expectations regarding lifestyle, socialization, taxes, and overall cost of living.
Read this Substack post about one person’s decision to leave Portugal.
For some expats, challenges such as navigating the healthcare system, dealing with bureaucracy, or missing family and friends can lead to a decision to return.
According to a study by the InterNations Expat Insider Survey, about 23% of expatriates globally tend to return to their home country after a few years due to various reasons, including career opportunities, family reasons, or difficulty in integrating into the host country. While this is not specific to Americans in Portugal, it provides a general context for understanding return migration among expats.
Our lives have been enriched.
Through the years, people come into and out of your life. Be it friends, acquaintances or family - and often at different times - some will remain close, some you will drift away from, some you will outgrow.
Part of our Portugal journey includes saying hello. And goodbye. It’s about focusing on living in the moment and not worrying about the future as much. It's about taking the risk to meet new people and develop relationships even if those people may not stay. It’s about learning and growing. It’s about being open to new possibilities and change.
We will miss our friends, Mike and Mary but we applaud them for trying something new by moving to Europe and experiencing something different. That takes courage and I admire them for this.
Our lives have been enriched by their friendship and we will cherish that. If not for living in Portugal we would have missed this wonderful opportunity!
"Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened." - Dr. Seuss
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Until next time…
Obrigada!
Carol.
I love this post as well as the fact that you have written it with such grace. In my life, I have moved nearly 40 times. Sometimes it was for school, sometimes it was for work and sometimes it was an opportunity to live in a place I loved. My family wasn’t close and I have no children. But the people I have met along the way and the places I have lived and shared with others have made my life rich. My friends live all over the world and although I don’t see them all very often, we do keep in touch and we do manage to connect on occasion. Sometimes I think I see life differently than people with deep family connections. Many people come and go through the doors of my life, taking what they need and giving what they can. Those moments seem like seconds of a lifetime but they always last long enough to warm my heart. My life has been, and continues to be, a wonderful journey and I value and treasure each and every place and person that has enriched my time on earth.
One of the things we love about our small town Vila Real de Santo António, in the SE corner of the Algarve on the border to Spain, is the feeling of family here. Familial the locals call it. The grandparents playing an important role in raising the grandchildren, picking them up from school, occupying them during the long summer vacation, being an important part of their lives. The way it was once upon a time in America when the nuclear family was still the norm. The relationship to family is often underestimated when making the decision to move abroad. As Joni Mitchell sang, You don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone. Your friends, who obviously adore exploring and new experiences, have made a momentous decision, returning to the fold, to nurture and be part of their family’s legacy. To end the state of feeling transient. A beautiful decision.