What Have I Done?

Regrets…I’ve had a few.

Dear Readers,

The last full week of July for me was filled with memories and some regrets from the past. I wasn’t really expecting to feel like this, but there it was. Going all the way back to my childhood, I experienced a plethora of emotions. Since all but the last four years of my life was lived in the United States (Rhode Island and Arizona), and because I’m not a youngster anymore, there’s a lot of stuff living in my cabeça (that’s head in Portuguese).

It all started with a little video.

The week began innocently enough with a little video a friend from Rhode Island sent to me. She had been visiting friends in New York City, and they came across a concert in a park. The musician was singing a song about all the states in the United States and for what each state was noted. My friend said she thought I would like the song, in case (in her words), I had any nostalgia left for Arizona or Rhode Island.

Hmmm…

I responded to my friend that yes, I still had a bit of nostalgia left for the places I used to live. I mean, who doesn’t? But then, I began to really think about that. What did I miss? Who did I miss? Why am I living in Portugal? What have I done?

Why am I here?

You would think that after nearly four years of living in Portugal, I would have figured things out. And for the most part, I have. But every so often, something triggers an emotion or a memory, and I start to question myself about why I am here and not there.

Of course, I can’t get anything past Paul – he just looks at my face and knows that something’s up with me. So, I asked him, “Do you have any nostalgia left for Arizona or Rhode Island? Anything you miss?” He responded that other than missing some people, he sort of misses sitting at one of the nice bars in Scottsdale (Arizona) and having a glass of wine and a light meal. He sometimes misses this one coffee shop he used to frequent. And maybe he misses Rhode Island clam bakes, waterskiing or sailing on a New Hampshire lake, and lobster salad rolls. And New York style bagels.

I left the conversation at that. Paul goes with the flow. He's happy with life in Portugal. He never dwells on the past.

I wish I was more like Paul.

But the questions continued to troll around in my head, taking up way too much real estate there.

Paul’s “kick-ass” grill.

Our Arizona backyard patio and Paul’s “kick-ass” grill.

The next thing was that friends invited us over for dinner – grilled steaks for the guys and grilled chicken for the ladies since we both don’t love red meat. Our friends own a house, so they have both gas and charcoal grills, while we only have an electric grill since we live in an apartment. That’s when the topic of gas grills – in particular, Paul’s “kick-ass” gas grill came up.

It is true. Paul did have a kick-ass gas grill in Arizona. It was larger than anyone else’s in the neighborhood, and had all the bells and whistles – a 2-tier grilling area, a rotisserie, a warming plate, an ice drawer, drawers for paper towels and grilling tools, and granite counter tops. It took up one end of the patio. Needless to say, we grilled a lot.

Paul asked me if I had a picture of the gas grill to show to our friends. So, I made the mistake of pulling up a video on my phone that I had made of our house in Arizona (grill shots included). Paul asked, “You have a video of our Arizona house?” I said, “Yes, I made the video so that I would always remember it.”

I should not have looked at the video.

But I did. A few times. It was a nice house. I loved it. Big rooms, big kitchen, high ceilings, huge master bedroom, a doggie door (I miss having a dog), a big backyard, and a front courtyard with a rock fountain. And a kick-ass grill. I started comparing Arizona to Portugal (not recommended). That’s when I realized that all three of my bathrooms here in my Portugal apartment could have fit in our one master bathroom in Arizona. My walk-in closet in the master bedroom could have easily fit a small twin bed. I had too many clothes (and shoes), but they all fit in that closet nicely. Paul shared the closet with me, and he had plenty of space as well.

Of course, the conversation also turned to the Tudor-style house we had once owned in Providence, Rhode Island which was circa 1920’s and was larger than the Arizona house. The woodwork, inlaid hardwood floors, library, French doors, and sweeping staircase in the front entry foyer made it one of the nicest and most elegant places I have ever lived in. I loved that house, too.

Memories of Mom and Dad.

Me with Mom and Dad. Circa 1950's.

This one week in July also brought back memories of my parents. It was the thirty-third anniversary of my mother’s death (1992) and the second anniversary of my father’s death (2023). I am the oldest of four siblings (who all have varying degrees of difficulty understanding why I am living in Portugal when I could be living large with them in Florida), so I have memories of my parents before any of my siblings were born. I’m grateful for those memories because they’re all mine – I don’t have to share them with anyone else. Plus, they’re portable – I don’t have to live anywhere in particular to bring them to mind.

But, since I was on a nostalgia/regret/what-have-I-done trip in my cabeça, I started to wonder what my mother would think of my living in Portugal, searching for our family roots, trying out a new lifestyle. Would she be proud? Happy? Sad that I wasn’t living closer to her and the family? Would she want to visit me here if she was able?

I also wondered if my dad would understand why I was (still) living in Portugal, or if he would accept that I wasn’t going to return any time soon to the U.S.? Would he be happy or disappointed? Would he want to check out my new life in Portugal if he was able?

So, yes, I thought of mom and dad a lot all week. With love, with gratitude, with some sadness and with some regrets.

So, what have I done?

How did this one full final week in July of 2025 end for me? What did I figure out and what did I need to remind myself of? Here’s what:

1.) You can never go back. Even if you do, things will not be the same.

2.) Memories live in your head. But they shouldn’t control you. And quite often, the memories mellow over time, so you only remember the good stuff.

Although I loved the Providence house, it needed a lot of work and it was way too big for two people and a dog. And although I loved the Arizona house, I didn’t love the scorpions in my bed or in the kitchen, or the astronomical energy bill for 24/7 air conditioning. Or the intense hot weather, dust, and the overcrowded highways, often filled with very angry drivers.

3.) The past will follow you wherever you go. You can run, but you can’t hide.

4.) Maybe I don’t need as much stuff anymore. Perhaps in spite of myself, I have finally grown out of my old life. Currently, all of my clothes fit in my Portuguese wardrobe (Paul has his own closet).

5.) I think I may have evolved (despite my advanced age), and found that I can live nicely, comfortably, and happily, outside of what I previously thought was my comfort zone (I credit living in Portugal for that).

6.) I have to often remind myself that I have more than I don’t.

7.) I am where I am supposed to be at this moment in time.

8.) I was lucky to have parents who loved me. They unconditionally supported me even if they were not always too excited about some of the choices I made (although they thoroughly approved of Paul).

Finding a “sign”.

Sometimes, if I look hard enough and keep an open and present mind when I’m feeling unsettled, I will see a “sign” that points me in the right direction. I’ll leave you with the “sign” I found just as I was writing this post:

“In all honesty, some phases of life in your past may have been the best ones overall. They may have had the most ease, joy, love, and even health. But to spend the rest of your life longing for or yearning for those days means to miss out on some pretty good ones that you can have and love right now.” – Doe Zantamata

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Until next time…

Obrigada!

Carol.